My journey through postpartum and health anxiety
After 4 years in the making, my family and I got covid. For me, the topic of covid is surrounded by anxiety for many different reasons, mainly to do with my own journey of working through severe health anxiety. If you’ve been following along for a while, you know I love to be transparent about my life, but even I don’t share much detail about my mental health.
I have anxiety.
I have severe health anxiety (and I sure know how to pick a career, right?)
It wasn’t always like this, but I know there were hints of it present my whole life and even before-I’ve spent a long time processing my maternal line’s long journey with health anxiety.
2019 was a powerful year for me. I became a mother and I prepared to graduate from medical school. However, 2019 was also the year my anxiety was let off the reins and allowed to swirl around and control me for the next 4 years. It all started in June with the birth of my daughter. Her birth did not go as planned, and I had to get induced for high blood pressure. That experience kicked off my health anxiety, and although thankfully her birth went well, I spent a stressful and traumatic week in the hospital after with blood pressure issues. I transitioned from that directly into panic at home about becoming a mother and was unable to sleep when my daughter slept. It’s embarrassing to admit and even to think back on, but I made my family (husband and parents) take overnight shifts with me to hold the baby while she slept. It was a level of anxiety I had never experienced before. Fast forward to 8 months later, I was frantically pumping to leave my daughter and go to the medical clinic where I was finishing up my last semester of school. That’s when covid started. Those first few months before the shutdown were some of the hardest of my life. The combination of being a fearful new momma, undiagnosed and unchecked postpartum anxiety, and the added uncertainty of covid and working in a health clinic at the time was too much. I had multiple panic attacks and forced my family bubble into isolation that lasted a very long time. Over the first few years of covid, the level of hyper vigilance that I’ve come to call that period of my life is honestly overwhelming when I think back on it. If you’re a friend or family member reading this, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
It wasn’t until the birth of my second child in early 2023 that I found the power of surrendering, and the power of utilizing help when it’s needed. In the hospital, when my son was 3 days old, I started Lexapro, an antidepressant medication that also works for anxiety, and my life changed. My family’s lives changed. The way I describe my experience with Lexapro is that although I still have anxious thoughts, the medication gives me space between the thought and the subsequent physical reaction (heart palpitations, sweating, shaking, etc). It gives me the space to observe the anxious thought and interact with it to truly decide if it needs to be acted on or if maybe I can classify it as irrational instead (spoiler alert, it’s usually irrational). The medication also gave my nervous system a break to be able to better utilize other tools for mental health support. I felt freed from the intense postpartum anxiety that morphed into generalized anxiety. I slept soundly and deeply with my infant son, amazed each night I could actually sleep while he slept! I stopped harassing my family to wash their hands and bring their masks. I let my daughter go indoor to activities and make new friends, and brought the newborn along. I even experienced many difficult postpartum complications with my second birth including chest pain and an ER visit 6 days postpartum, heart palpitations, a heart monitor, echocardiogram, intense food poisoning, postpartum thyroiditis, and more, and I handled it all with ease that surprised me more than anyone!
To be honest, I had a lot of shame in starting the medication, especially as a naturopathic doctor, despite the fact that I see these medications as important tools for my own patients. However, I’m so glad I pushed through and decided to start it. I am forever grateful for this medication and forever grateful for all the other tools I utilized before it. If you are reading this and are on your own mental health journey, please reach out! I would love to support and offer resources any way I can.
After 4 years in the making, I got covid. And yet, the sun still rose, the sun still set, my children smiled at me even with their fevers, and through it all I will never take a second of the last 4 years of my journey for granted.
I have covid, I have anxiety, and yet I am okay.